As an immigrant, we always get overjoyed traveling to India for summer vacation.Looking back at my 10 yrs in US, my visit to India was almost every year with family.
I had traveled with my husband and my kids all these years. Being married early and having my first daughter at the age of 22 had never left me alone for a second.
My visit to india in may 2010 was for 2 weeks and alone. After the tearful departure at the airport, I found myself settling in the waiting seat . I have no words to describe the emotions I had at the moment I became aware of being alone. I was surrounded by a huge crowd in the airport. I felt pin drop silence in spite of the noices.I took out my kindle(my birthday gift from my husband) and tried to focus and read . I had no constant distractions from my kids , I had no restroom visits to take care of at the last moment, I had no sibling fights to handle. I had time to read a book. I was all by myself. I couldn’t focus. My eyes were wet and my hands searched for my cell phone. I typed a miss you text to my husband’s cell number. I waited gazing at the phone. My heart beeped at the sms reply from him. I looked at the family picture in my cell . I was staring at my kids faces and for some reason I felt guilty.
It was hard to travel 18 hours alone. I had people around me but I felt lonely. I remembered my outbursts at times to my family on how much I wanted to have a trip all alone.
All of my journey till india, I had a heavy heart and I landed in the humid Chennai airport in the early morning.I was picked up by my dad and brother.
I found myself constantly chatting with them about my kids and my husband. I had decided to be myself to act like the same old daughter back home. But I didn’t have a great start. I still acted more of a mom and a wife.
My husband called me almost every day.My kids mailed me every day. My days were shorter with shopping and outdoor activities with my dad and sisterinlaw.My nights were longer. I missed my kids hugs and stories. I missed them terribly. I couldn’t stand a week. By the time 10 days were over, I was ready to come back to US. Hearing my kids fell sick made things worse.
I was in a world of guilt and the notion of being alone started to engulf me .
I did spend time with my dad and family. They were happy. I managed to keep my sanity in check in spite of the heaviness i was feeling inside.
After 2 weeks , I landed in Atlanta with my in-laws. The long flight trip this time didnt feel the same as my journey to India. It was quick. I felt the 18-19 hrs shrinking as my eagerness to see my kids grew.
My second kid leaped over me as I passed the security line. My first one hugged me so hard and I saw my husband’s eyes wet.I felt a 1000 pounds weight lifted off me.
As i watched the happy faces of my kids chatting in the car trip home, my peace returned.
I’m sure many moms travel for work, for leisure,for personal reasons. It’s a no brainer for many. But for a mom like me, this trip was more of an eye opener.
My roots are no longer in India. My roots are my husband and kids. I was back, very happy and content to be a Mom and a wife.
An occasional me thing has no harm. Now I have learnt to cherish every moment with my kids . They laugh at me now when I say I want to have a trip alone to be away from them and their troubles.
I laugh with them too as I know it’s not likely to happen any time soon.
you made me cry Amudha! seriously when I read this posting of yours, my eyes were totally filled with tears and my heart was so heavy. Its so true, how our life has changed………..
I wanted to share about my trip long time back. Found time today. Yes our life has changed for better and worse:)-
I do love this mom feeling , am sure u do too:)_